HeartBreak

Its over, I'm through, we're through, this is through, everything is through.

No more posts, no more anything.  I don't know where I'll be, or what I'm going to do, but I know I need to be gone.

When I first saw him there, where I should be, I was so angry, then I felt vomit crawling up my throat, back to anger, tears bursting out, and my body seemingly melting in front of their very eyes.  No wonder she had been so awkward at dinner.  How does she live with herself?  How did she not burst during my hours of questioning? How could she do this to anyone, especially me?  Why am I even asking, I'm no different than anyone else.  Of course she found something better, who was I kidding.

This is the reason I never wanted to do this, this is why I had in my cave.  This emotion that no human should feel.  It's the end of me, It's the end of us, and it's the end of these stupid posts.

I shouldn't have. I just shouldn't have.  I won't again.

Healing

Good.  Kate all of a sudden seems much happier, and has that perfect conviction back, and Sophie is very happy with her new man it seems.  I think things couldn't be a whole lot better, logically, yet I have a horrible gut feeling.

Went to dinner tonight with Kate, and everything was the same as it always was, but something just didn't feel right.  I kept asking her if she had something she wanted to tell me, and everytime she told me she was fine I had no idea what to say or think.  Maybe she is, but maybe she's just being a girl and saying it.  Gar, this relationship stuff is complex, and scary.

Well, it's probably just another thing I need to get over.  She's never led me astray before, I guess it's time I put a little bit of trust in her.  A little bit of trust never hurt anyone!  I'm getting used to this already.

Consciousness

I feel good about the way things have been going the last few days, sorta.  I have made a real, conscious effort to back off of Sophie, entirely, and put a new kind of focus on my girl.  I want her to feel like she's the only one, 'cause she is the only one, and I don't know how to prove it to her.  She still seems bitter about the whole ordeal, bringing up snide remarks once in awhile, but I think she'll get over that?  Right?

At the end of the day, she's a girl.  I don't really have a clue as to what is normal, and what isn't.  It seems like she's just being bitter temporarily, but maybe this is still really affecting her?  God, I hope not.  Girls are so complicated.

Well, whatever.  For the time being she will be mad, and all I can do is prove my love and prove that she's it for me.  I can do it, I know I can.  She's my everything.

Jealousy

Well, it seems that the jealousy has turned on me now. I guess I should have seen it coming, after the way I treated Kate thinking she was latching on to every guy in her life.  Anyways, she probably has good reason to be jealous of the way Sophie and I interact.  I try to be good, but she knows me so well.

I hate fights.  I never liked fighting with my parents, I had confrontation, I hate everything about it.  I tried to avoid it at all costs, but she wasn't having it.  You know its time to change things when Kate of all people gets mad, nothing seems to move that girl.  I guess Sophie is really getting to her.

I need to make a real, honest disconnect from Sophie at this point.  Until now, I have merely recognized the problem and not done a whole lot about it, but after tonight's blow out fight with Kate I know I need to make this right.  I know I need to do this, and focus on Kate.  Time to man up.

Relief

Alright.

Talked to Sophie tonight, and I feel SO much better.  She grabbed my hand at one point, but it was really only as a friend.  Sent chills up and down my spine though, nothing "just friends" about that.  At least we got everything out into the air, she knows I'm taken, and I can stop feeling guilty about all this.  She also told me about a new man in her life, which although I was taken aback at first, is probably a good thing.   I shouldn't be jealous, and therefore..I'm not.

Of course I am, but only a little bit.  I know it's silly, especially since I'm happily taken.  I did the right thing tonight, and I'm happy that she's found herself a man.  Things couldn't be more swell.

Out Of My Head

Couldn't sleep last night.  Couldn't get that drunken night of Sophie out of my head.  I really only denied her based on the fact that I didn't want to take advantage of a drunk girl, but drunk sayings are sober thoughts aren't they?  She thinks I totally denied her, but I don't know that I wouldn't take it if she was sober.  God, thats scary.

And stupid.  I've finally got something great going on with Kate, and here I am entertaining thoughts and fantasies of Sophie.  I just can't help it, its some strange natural male desire.  It's not that Kate isn't good enough, It's not that Kate was just a rebound from my giant crush on Sophie, or was she?  No, no she wasn't.  Damn it, I'm confusing myself again.

Time to slow it down.  Maybe a good talk with Sophie will sort all of this out, instead of this monstrous amount of flirting we have been committing.  I always feel guilty later, but damn it feels good during.  I need to be good, I need to not screw this up for myself, I need to talk to her.  Tonight.

Choices, Choices

As I was working on a paper the other night, a blast from the past Sophie Fox returned home from a night of drinking.  Walking in in her little black dress, sloppy and clinging to the walls, I watched her collapse into my door way.  She exclaimed about how much she had drank as I picked her up off my floor and put her on my chair, God she smelled good.

She proceeded to tell me how she had always thought I was cute.  Such a nerd, but cute in that way.  I didn't care what people thought of me (not true), and I was different than all of the frat boys that she had gone out with before.  A little bit late, Sophie, Thanks.

Yet, I was strangely attracted to this offer.  I certainly never thought my biggest problem in life would be choosing between TWO girls, thats for sure.  I couldn't believe this moment was happening to me.  I didn't know what to say as she moved towards me.  I pressed my finger to her lips, and told her I couldn't.  She thought she was denied, I thought she was drunk.  

Late-Nights

Finally, instead of late nights sniping aliens in Halo, or hacksauring in World of Warcraft, I have a living, breathing sensation next to me in bed.  It's late, probably 4 in the morning or so, and we sacked out awhile ago.  I woke up for some reason, and haven't been able to go to sleep, so I figured I would write.

I had imagined nights like this, in my dreams.  I can't believe a girl's beating heart is vibrating against my elbow as I'm writing this, and her body is moving ever so slightly to her breaths.  I don't even want to type in fear of waking her, but I need to do something to settle my nerves before curling back into her for more sleep and solace.

Well, I guess when I thought things couldn't go worse, they got a WHOLE lot better.  I had no where to go but up.

Refreshment

Thank the lord.

After feeling jealous over Kate, once again she has showed me the light.  She sat me down and had a good heart to heart and communicated exactly how she's been feeling, and I told her my hopes and fears, and we worked everything out in a solid 6 hours of laying in bed and talking.  This girl is perfect, and I never thought I would see perfection.

I guess before now, I had never really learned how to communicate with people.  I could type things out on AIM, and talk 1337 smack against n00bs, but never have I been able to hold a real, valid, conversation with a girl.  Especially a pretty girl, and even more so one that is into me.  With Kate, everything seems so easy, and she makes me feel that I'm a pr0 at life. Didn't think it was possible to get Counter-Strike Kill-death ratios like I do and own at life at the same time, but I guess I've always been against the grain.

Neutral

Not sure why, but I get the strange feeling of emptiness building up inside of me.

While love is great, I've grown jealous with Kate.  I know, I'm such a girl (call me sexist), but I don't know what to say.  I haven't written for awhile, because I've been hoping it will go away.  It doesn't seem like that's going to happen, and I don't know what it is about her that makes me so suspicious.  Maybe she just smells different, maybe its the way she acts around me, or maybe it just me being a complete dumbass.

Alright, so maybe its just me being a complete dumbass.  I sure hope that's what it is, I just need to figure out how to get through this..

Aftermath

Wow,

The videogames that thrilled me before, don't seem quite the same anymore after a night like that.  For some reason the curve of that white Xbox 360 controller, doesn't quite match the curve of a woman's hips.  The accomplishment sound I got for getting 10 head-shots in a row, not quite the same sound as... well, you get the picture.

Things are more perfect than ever.  She even meshed the two worlds together and played video games with me.  She MUST be the best girl that has ever graced god's good earth.  Dinner dates, walks outside as the spring air fills the limited spaces between our hands, I'm starting to believe there is a god.

It really doesn't get any better than this.

Second Time Around

Yes, the second lunch date with Ms. Dufay, and things were just starting to heat up.

This time, we went to a fancier restaurant.  You know, the kind of restaurant that requires short bottoms, low cut red vintage dresses?  I was unaware it required that, but apparently to her, thats what it meant.  Maybe TMI, but I needed a change of pants the second I saw her.

I realized I hadn't seen her body much before.  Always covered in sweatpants and sweaters, I hadn't realized how great her skin looked in the light.  She was marvelously toned, and the dress showed off her curves like nothing I had seen before.

God, she was really was beautiful.  I death-gripped her hand the entire time at dinner, until I felt her fingertips on my thigh.

I love College.

We came back to my dorm room, and I spent a little less time with the Macbook, and a little more time exploring.  I'm never going to forget this, the best night of my life.

Lunch

Wow.

So lunch was cool.  Basically, I got there and she completely wanted me.  Same old story, they always do. I entertained her for awhile with charming one-liners, she giggled nervously.  I took her back to my place and you know the rest.

...

Okay, so maybe that isn't what happened.  Maybe I've never been on a date before, Alright?  I did like it though.  The beginning was rough, I wasn't really sure what to say or do or what she was feeling at all.  She's pretty damn forward though.  She was teasing me mercilessly about everything, what a nerd I was, how I ate, how I spoke, and while she was being cruel in a weird way I loved it.  My comfort level rose, and as it did I began to tease her right back.

Everything was going smoothly until she jammed her hand suddenly under the table, and in one swift motion had grasped my fingers in hers.  My heart lurched into my throat, and nerves wriggled up through my neck from my toes.  I couldn't believe how it felt, just to have a girl hold your hand.  I was visibly shaking, and her smiling gaze back at me wasn't making me feel any worse.

She shook all the negativity out of me, and I've enjoyed an afternoon of bliss just reminiscing about it.  I cannot wait until the next time I see her.

Sorry Modern Warfare II.

New Sights

After long days, and long nights, of doing nothing but devising ways of getting back at frat boy/figuring out how to be a better man for Sophie/ dominating the next level of Modern Warfare/ practicing beer pong by myself in my room, I feel like I am finally beginning the healing process.

Not really, but I did meet a new girl.

I met her in my chemistry lab.  Kate Dufay is her name.  While I think Sophie might be more attractive, Kate and I have strange chemistry that I felt from the start.  Sophie feels out of my league, Kate feels just on the edge.  I think she was actually flirting with me for Christ's sake!  I'm not really sure, as I'm not sure I even know what flirting is, but I know that it felt nice.

Kate has asked me out to lunch on Thursday, I'm thinking I will have to accept.  I'm trying to keep my hopes low, as that generally serves me best, but its hard for me to deny that extra pitter patter in my heart.  Could this be me actually liking someone, who has the possibility of liking me back?  

I don't want to jump in too deep, but I like the potential here.  

Healing

As I attempt to recover from the heartbreak hotel that was Sophie Fox, I turn to myself for answers.  What good am I in the world?  How can I be something that a girl like Sophie (not Sophie though because I'm trying to get OVER her), but how can I avoid this situation again?  I have to make myself better.  How can I make myself better?

Bah,

The road seems so unpaved for glory.  However, I know I must journey on my own.  I must be a hero, I must fight, its the only way I'll ever get there.  The defeatist attitude has got to go.

Bahaha.  Yeah right.  That's never going to happen.  Damn you Sophie Fox.

Stupefaction

After feeling like my greatest infatuation, might turn into my greatest love (after one moment of talking to her in my room), I have been quickly reminded of how insignificant I truly am.

Last night, after dressing to the nines, she went out to a "frat party".  Never been into frats, in fact, I wouldn't mind if they all slid down a razor-wire fence into a pool of lemon juice, but thats just me.  Later in the evening after a few drinks, she arrived - fray boy in tow.  After listening to them giggle in her room for awhile, and drink more, the lights went out, and nobody left.  Trust me, I listened for the door.

Why is it that a FRAT boy can beat me to the punch?  What does he have that I don't have?  How could this be.  I would try to figure out how to beat this frat boy, if I was competitive at all, but I prefer being a defeatist.  I just don't get it with girls, and I guess contrary to my beliefs, Sophie Fox is no different.

Figures.

Incredulity

Well, that went better than expected.

Today she came into my room.  Yeah, first of all, let's deal with that.  My room with the 20 inch monitor with all of my greatest computer designs on it, the man smell, and the nerdy guy with the giant headphones on?  Yep, Sophie Fox came into that room.  She came to introduce herself, and try to get to know me.

Yeah, that means she talked to me too.  Talked.  To me.  She does speak english, in contradiction to what I had once thought, a beautiful english at that.  She was....easy to talk to.  Strange coming from me.  Maybe she purposely came in here to give me false hopes so that she could crush me and I would stay in here forever.  That's probably it.  Damn it, I really thought I was getting somewhere too.

Oh well.  To be honest, if I died now, at least I can curl up with my MacBook and monitor.  Then I won't be so alone at least.

Refresh

Sometimes I'm excited at the thought of Sophie Fox living in the same suite as me, other times, not so much.  She seems so perfect to me.  Living together it seems only right that we will be together, or I will at least have a shot right?

Yeah, right.  I'm in my room most of the time with my MacBook and 20 inch screen playing games to pass the time; hoping some incredible babe will hit me up on AIM and beg me to come to her room.  There's no way a guy like me is going to end up being anywhere near touching her.  

There's got to be a way.  There has to be a way to get into her head.  I'm unique, right?  There must be something I offer her that other guys don't?

Fuck.  I hate this.  Venting on this blog isn't even helping me come up with a plan to steal this girl's heart.  I'll have to think of something, I can't just let her be a perfectly crafted fixture of my dorm.

Golden Leaves on Skeleton Trees

College.  It's my third year, and there is still no sign of enjoyment from the big picture.  Yes, I'm killing my classes; well my English classes anyways.  Being a (lonely) hopeless romantic makes it easy though.  It's really too bad being an academic doesn't receive the same praise being a rock-star or, you know, just about anything else does.

It's the same amount of work, isn't it?  Where are the flocks of breathtaking women screaming my name and throwing their underwear at me for no particular gain after I exit class?  Why can I walk out of a classroom after acing a test, and not be blinded by flashbulbs?  I guess I don't do anything that most other people don't do.  How will I ever find a girl, if there are a thousand other guys -

Just. Like. Me.

Sophie Fox.  I've always had a thing for girls with shape, I mean real shape, and Sophie Fox epitomizes that.  A tall order of beautiful soft tan skin, a thin waist, and hips that would cause Kim Kardashian to sob on sight, and Heidi Montag to call her plastic surgeon immediately.  She's unbelievable.  Every single inch of her, from head to toe, is absolute perfection.  Her inviting lips and curious smile are only matched by dreamy blue eyes with a light yellow ring circling around their center.  As if she isn't gorgeous enough, everytime you hear her speak you want to fall asleep in her arms due to her easing foreign accent.

And no, I didn't forget about her personality.

She's brilliant.  Absolutely brilliant. No, she's not just a "grade getter" (although she is a straight A student).  She has traveled, I would even say conquered, most of the world.  When she walks into a room she instantly gathers everyone's hearts in her hands with breathtaking smiles, ludicrous stories, and a laugh that would make Conor Oberst smile.  She's perfect. Just perfect.  No, not Baywatch or Laguna Beach perfect.  She can be found dancing crazily, letting her hair loose, and singing random songs (often with wrong lyrics) throughout the day.  She couldn't care less what people think of her, and I wouldn't have her any other way.

If only it mattered how I would "have" her.  I wish I could count every freckle and trace every outline with my ink stained fingertips, but I know I won't.  She's Sophie Fox for god's sake.

I'm infatuated. I know, maybe even in too deep.  Don't worry though, dear readers, I know a girl thats out of my league when I see one.  A girl like that?  She's got too much going on.  She doesn't have time for boys, especially boys like me.

I'm a little lost and I know I'm not the only guy, or girl, who has ever been in this situation, but it sure as hell feels like it right now.  Maybe someday it will be my time to fly.

Slow Falling Snow

Here I sit.  Dreams of King Arthur and Jane Austen, Wordsworth and Kumenyakka, Megan Fox and Meryl Streep.  I was meant for more than this college dorm room.  I was meant for bigger things than this tiny bed, I was meant for better things than drunken women at college parties, I was meant for more than English 001.

Yet, here I am.  They always say you have to reach the bottom before you can climb to the top.  Losing my only love of my life to my best friend wasn't exactly what I had in mind, but hell, at least I got an express trip to the start of my climb.  Right?

Alas, for now I'll watch the slow falling snow out of my window, and hope that I won't always have to watch it alone.