Consciousness

I feel good about the way things have been going the last few days, sorta.  I have made a real, conscious effort to back off of Sophie, entirely, and put a new kind of focus on my girl.  I want her to feel like she's the only one, 'cause she is the only one, and I don't know how to prove it to her.  She still seems bitter about the whole ordeal, bringing up snide remarks once in awhile, but I think she'll get over that?  Right?

At the end of the day, she's a girl.  I don't really have a clue as to what is normal, and what isn't.  It seems like she's just being bitter temporarily, but maybe this is still really affecting her?  God, I hope not.  Girls are so complicated.

Well, whatever.  For the time being she will be mad, and all I can do is prove my love and prove that she's it for me.  I can do it, I know I can.  She's my everything.

Jealousy

Well, it seems that the jealousy has turned on me now. I guess I should have seen it coming, after the way I treated Kate thinking she was latching on to every guy in her life.  Anyways, she probably has good reason to be jealous of the way Sophie and I interact.  I try to be good, but she knows me so well.

I hate fights.  I never liked fighting with my parents, I had confrontation, I hate everything about it.  I tried to avoid it at all costs, but she wasn't having it.  You know its time to change things when Kate of all people gets mad, nothing seems to move that girl.  I guess Sophie is really getting to her.

I need to make a real, honest disconnect from Sophie at this point.  Until now, I have merely recognized the problem and not done a whole lot about it, but after tonight's blow out fight with Kate I know I need to make this right.  I know I need to do this, and focus on Kate.  Time to man up.

Relief

Alright.

Talked to Sophie tonight, and I feel SO much better.  She grabbed my hand at one point, but it was really only as a friend.  Sent chills up and down my spine though, nothing "just friends" about that.  At least we got everything out into the air, she knows I'm taken, and I can stop feeling guilty about all this.  She also told me about a new man in her life, which although I was taken aback at first, is probably a good thing.   I shouldn't be jealous, and therefore..I'm not.

Of course I am, but only a little bit.  I know it's silly, especially since I'm happily taken.  I did the right thing tonight, and I'm happy that she's found herself a man.  Things couldn't be more swell.

Out Of My Head

Couldn't sleep last night.  Couldn't get that drunken night of Sophie out of my head.  I really only denied her based on the fact that I didn't want to take advantage of a drunk girl, but drunk sayings are sober thoughts aren't they?  She thinks I totally denied her, but I don't know that I wouldn't take it if she was sober.  God, thats scary.

And stupid.  I've finally got something great going on with Kate, and here I am entertaining thoughts and fantasies of Sophie.  I just can't help it, its some strange natural male desire.  It's not that Kate isn't good enough, It's not that Kate was just a rebound from my giant crush on Sophie, or was she?  No, no she wasn't.  Damn it, I'm confusing myself again.

Time to slow it down.  Maybe a good talk with Sophie will sort all of this out, instead of this monstrous amount of flirting we have been committing.  I always feel guilty later, but damn it feels good during.  I need to be good, I need to not screw this up for myself, I need to talk to her.  Tonight.

Choices, Choices

As I was working on a paper the other night, a blast from the past Sophie Fox returned home from a night of drinking.  Walking in in her little black dress, sloppy and clinging to the walls, I watched her collapse into my door way.  She exclaimed about how much she had drank as I picked her up off my floor and put her on my chair, God she smelled good.

She proceeded to tell me how she had always thought I was cute.  Such a nerd, but cute in that way.  I didn't care what people thought of me (not true), and I was different than all of the frat boys that she had gone out with before.  A little bit late, Sophie, Thanks.

Yet, I was strangely attracted to this offer.  I certainly never thought my biggest problem in life would be choosing between TWO girls, thats for sure.  I couldn't believe this moment was happening to me.  I didn't know what to say as she moved towards me.  I pressed my finger to her lips, and told her I couldn't.  She thought she was denied, I thought she was drunk.  

Late-Nights

Finally, instead of late nights sniping aliens in Halo, or hacksauring in World of Warcraft, I have a living, breathing sensation next to me in bed.  It's late, probably 4 in the morning or so, and we sacked out awhile ago.  I woke up for some reason, and haven't been able to go to sleep, so I figured I would write.

I had imagined nights like this, in my dreams.  I can't believe a girl's beating heart is vibrating against my elbow as I'm writing this, and her body is moving ever so slightly to her breaths.  I don't even want to type in fear of waking her, but I need to do something to settle my nerves before curling back into her for more sleep and solace.

Well, I guess when I thought things couldn't go worse, they got a WHOLE lot better.  I had no where to go but up.